Monday, December 6, 2010

Perspective

Sorry for the lack of posts...I know I promised pictures of the baby shower, and I will post those before too long.  Life got in the way of posting it last week...

I debate writing about my personal life on here...I debate how much you'll want to read, or who will want to read about it.  But this blog is my creative outlet, and part of my creative side is my love to write.  I find it therapeutic.  It's the only way, besides running, that I know how to organize my thoughts and put things into perspective.  So I'm writing this with  no clear direction of where it's going, just a lot of heavy thoughts weighing on my mind that need to be sorted out.

Last week, Chris got really sick on our drive back home from Thanksgiving.  We thought maybe he ate something that gave him food poisoning...he got sick for about 7 hours straight, finally managed to pass out, and after a full day in bed, seemed to relatively recover.

It wasn't food poisoning.  It was a virus.

I got it Wednesday night.  And then I spiked a fever Thursday, and wound up in the doctor's office at 6 p.m. with him giving me his last ditch effort of anti-nausea medicine and saying if that didn't work within 30 minutes, I was to go straight to the ER to get an IV of fluids.  My body ached, I was chilled to the core, and I couldn't have felt more miserable.  On our way home from the pharmacy at 8 p.m. that night, I broke down and started sobbing.  Not just crying, bawling crying.  I don't remember the last time I've cried that hard.  It was just all too much, and I couldn't take it anymore without breaking down.

Chris has a week left of his school, and he needs my help to be able to finish up his last 2 projects.  He couldn't work on either one of them Sunday or Monday because he was so sick, and then Wednesday and Thursday he couldn't do them either because I was so sick.  I sobbed because I felt sorry for him.  I feel the pressure of his schooling almost as much as he does most days, and I don't know how, with the stressful jobs we have, he gets it done.  This semester is his last, but it's been his hardest.  He needs my help, and instead of helping, I took away precious time that he didn't have to give.

I don't like feeling helpless or defeated.  I don't deal with it well, and there was absolutely nothing I could do to make either him or I better.  I didn't want to take away anymore time and have him bring me anymore water or gingerale, but every time I got up, I puked.  I sobbed because I was helpless, and I did have to rely on my husband...my husband who will give his time, stay up till midnight working or doing school, and get up at 5 to start it all over again.

I'm overloaded.  I've got too much on my plate, and I'm not quite sure how I'm going to get it all done.  I sobbed because I used to be able to be superwoman all of the time...and right now I just can't.  And I don't know how to deal with that.

On top of a million other personal things that probably seem either insignificant to most, or are too detailed and time oriented to write about, one of my Grandfather's has been in the hospital since before Thanksgiving.  My Mom has been prepping me that they thought the end was getting near.  My Grandfather has lived an amazingly blessed and fulfilling life.  He's 92.  My Grandmother was lucky enough to meet him, the love of her life, later on in life.  They've been married 20 years, and she's 20 years younger than he is.  I sobbed for her...for my Grandma.  I sobbed because I knew how hurt and sad and heavy her heart has to be.  My Grandfather will be fine...he's lived a great life, had many amazing experiences, and his time has just come.  But she waited a long time to find him...and she deserves to be happy, and I'm worried that she won't be.  So I sobbed.

This evening, my Grandfather passed away.  He passed away peacefully and without pain, which he was in previously, so that's reassuring.  But my Grandma....  My heart is so heavy for her.  I will miss my Grandpa dearly, but I know that I'll reflect upon his quirks, funny demeanor, and various stories that he's told me throughout the years fondly.  My Grandma has to be so sad.  She loved him so much.  They even refused to get any bigger than a queen sized bed because they felt like they slept too far apart in a King.  She liked keeping him close.  Although my heart is heavy, I am so thankful that she met him.  She had 20 great years of laughter, love, and companionship.  She will be able to forever cherish and reflect on the memories they created together, and I really hope that one day soon she can look back fondly on them instead of looking on with sadness.

So...this evening I sobbed for them, my Grandparents.  And in doing so, I felt so silly for my sobbing for Chris and I on Thursday.  It seems so insignificant.  We have each other...work, school, and everything else will work itself out.

And as I've written this, I've stopped sobbing.  My head feels clearer.  My heart is still heavy, but for the right reasons instead of the wrong ones.  Death is a tricky subject to address, and I know I'm not any good at it, but I find peace in knowing that my Grandpa is in a better place and lived a great life.  All I can do for my Grandma is to be there for her and be supportive of this new journey she'll embark on while surrounding her with love.

Thanks for letting me clear my head...
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13 comments:

  1. I'm really sorry to hear all that. I know you didn't even put everything out here, but even what you did is more than one person should have to deal with at a time. I hope you feel better, both physically and emotionally. Sometimes we all need a good cry. It sounds like you have amazing people around you; take care, and have a merry Christmas.

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  2. For the writer in you -

    A writer is a person who cares what words mean, what they say, how they say it. Writers know words are their way towards truth and freedom, and so they use them with care, with thought, with fear, with delight." ~Ursula K. LeGuin

    For the sense of hopelessness -

    "When you get into a tight place and it seems that you can't go on, hold on — for that's just the place and the time that the tide will turn." – Harriet Beecher Stowe

    For feeling overwhelmed at times:

    Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein. - H. Jackson Brown

    For your grandma -

    “You can shed tears that he is gone,
    or you can smile because he has lived.
    You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back,
    or you can open your eyes and see all he's left.
    Your heart can be empty because you can't see him,
    or you can be full of the love you shared.
    You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
    or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
    You can remember only that he is gone,
    or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
    You can cry and close your mind,
    be empty and turn your back.
    Or you can do what he'd want:
    smile, open your eyes, love and go on.” - David Harkins (except written as she instead of he)

    And finally, one last thought ...

    The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'." ~Larry Hardiman~

    ...

    Ummmmmm ... guess I copied the wrong one there. Sorry about that. :)

    Love you always - Dad

    Oh ... and by the way ... that part about "It's the only way, besides running, that I know how to organize my thoughts ...". Remind when exactly your thoughts have been organized.

    :)

    Love you!

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  3. Ok I just read your dad's comment and there is no way I can live up to that. I'm not a writer (and apparently he isn't either since he had to copy all those quotes, hehe) but I admire how you put all your thoughts into words. I hope writing all of it down helped clear your mind a little and bring you some peace. Everyone feels the way you do at one point or another and you shouldn't feel bad for it. There will always be someone who has it worse. Just remember you are surrounded by friends and we're here for you when you need us. <3

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  4. love your dad. And he is (like dads very often are)right. My heart is heavy tonight. I miss my parents. And a dear dear friend is losing her battle with breast cancer. My daughter just got petitioned by the sperm donor of their 4 yr. old. He wants split custody. He is in Michigan. She is in Utah. Oh how much pain our hearts can carry.... Good thing you are a woman. And strong. And beautiful... ha ha Hang in there. Put things in perspective. It will be alright. Keep the faith. And remember love and prayers coming your way!

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  5. I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

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  6. i am so sorry for your loss-you could really tell how much your grandfather means to you from your post. actually, you could tell how important your whole family is from your post. i think it's completely your space to write what you want, and is the perfect place to vent and release and ask questions, etc. so you should never wonder who wants to read what-my blog has turned way more into "random musings" than renovating or diy. i'm fine with that, because it's me, the real me, writing real stuff. whoever doesn't want to read it is quite honestly free to leave. and that's fine by me.

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  7. Hey! While I am sorry that you have been through all this stuff recently, I am glad that you shared. How else can we let you know that we care?

    While I am not a religious person, I have found the biblical phrase, "this too shall pass" to be true and helpful to remember at times like this. Hang on, do what you can, take it easy. Schools will understand illness and family emergencies.

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  8. HEY THERE, LIL' MS. ERIN!!! ): I CAN WRITE JUST FINE!!!

    ...

    As a father, I just learned a long long time ago that daughters listen more to other people. So I quote people she might actually listen to as opposed to affording her the opportunity to listen and learn from my own words of wisdom!

    ...

    :)

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  9. Hi, I like your blog, and hope to see you on mine. I'm your newest followers now. :)
    http://the-w-s.blogspot.com/

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  10. So sorry to hear about that Kara! You are in our hearts, thoughts, and prayers. Dad is so crazy! I bet it made you smile though ;-)

    Glad you are feeling better from your virus, glad it's almost over for Chris and so glad for the lives that you two lead. You are truly blessed to have each other and all the family is blessed to have you in their lives (and vice versa!).

    We love you Kara and if there's ever (and I mean EVER) anything that you need, including venting on the phone or email, let me know...use me :-)

    Love you sis!

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  11. Oh Kara, gosh, girl, I feel your pain. I lost both my grandpas a while back, and my dad when I was 15. Losing someone you love is never easy, but life does move on. I think its amazing and beautiful that your grandma found her true love in her 50's, it's so sweet, and they sound like they had a fabulous life together.

    Also your virus, sounds like it really kicked your butt, and I don't blame you for breaking down, gosh, I've also been there so many times. Especially with these kids, I am like a zombie, when someone gets sick, it doesn't leave our house for months, it seems. Being sick sucks, but at least we get better.

    Thanks for sharing, and I am super glad I came to say hello tonight!!

    Take care girl,

    Bella :)

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  12. Tom Dad - You'd be surprised how much we actually do listen to you fellows(dads) as we get older. We may just not admit it! :-)

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