Perspective

Sorry for the lack of posts...I know I promised pictures of the baby shower, and I will post those before too long.  Life got in the way of posting it last week...

I debate writing about my personal life on here...I debate how much you'll want to read, or who will want to read about it.  But this blog is my creative outlet, and part of my creative side is my love to write.  I find it therapeutic.  It's the only way, besides running, that I know how to organize my thoughts and put things into perspective.  So I'm writing this with  no clear direction of where it's going, just a lot of heavy thoughts weighing on my mind that need to be sorted out.

Last week, Chris got really sick on our drive back home from Thanksgiving.  We thought maybe he ate something that gave him food poisoning...he got sick for about 7 hours straight, finally managed to pass out, and after a full day in bed, seemed to relatively recover.

It wasn't food poisoning.  It was a virus.

I got it Wednesday night.  And then I spiked a fever Thursday, and wound up in the doctor's office at 6 p.m. with him giving me his last ditch effort of anti-nausea medicine and saying if that didn't work within 30 minutes, I was to go straight to the ER to get an IV of fluids.  My body ached, I was chilled to the core, and I couldn't have felt more miserable.  On our way home from the pharmacy at 8 p.m. that night, I broke down and started sobbing.  Not just crying, bawling crying.  I don't remember the last time I've cried that hard.  It was just all too much, and I couldn't take it anymore without breaking down.

Chris has a week left of his school, and he needs my help to be able to finish up his last 2 projects.  He couldn't work on either one of them Sunday or Monday because he was so sick, and then Wednesday and Thursday he couldn't do them either because I was so sick.  I sobbed because I felt sorry for him.  I feel the pressure of his schooling almost as much as he does most days, and I don't know how, with the stressful jobs we have, he gets it done.  This semester is his last, but it's been his hardest.  He needs my help, and instead of helping, I took away precious time that he didn't have to give.

I don't like feeling helpless or defeated.  I don't deal with it well, and there was absolutely nothing I could do to make either him or I better.  I didn't want to take away anymore time and have him bring me anymore water or gingerale, but every time I got up, I puked.  I sobbed because I was helpless, and I did have to rely on my husband...my husband who will give his time, stay up till midnight working or doing school, and get up at 5 to start it all over again.

I'm overloaded.  I've got too much on my plate, and I'm not quite sure how I'm going to get it all done.  I sobbed because I used to be able to be superwoman all of the time...and right now I just can't.  And I don't know how to deal with that.

On top of a million other personal things that probably seem either insignificant to most, or are too detailed and time oriented to write about, one of my Grandfather's has been in the hospital since before Thanksgiving.  My Mom has been prepping me that they thought the end was getting near.  My Grandfather has lived an amazingly blessed and fulfilling life.  He's 92.  My Grandmother was lucky enough to meet him, the love of her life, later on in life.  They've been married 20 years, and she's 20 years younger than he is.  I sobbed for her...for my Grandma.  I sobbed because I knew how hurt and sad and heavy her heart has to be.  My Grandfather will be fine...he's lived a great life, had many amazing experiences, and his time has just come.  But she waited a long time to find him...and she deserves to be happy, and I'm worried that she won't be.  So I sobbed.

This evening, my Grandfather passed away.  He passed away peacefully and without pain, which he was in previously, so that's reassuring.  But my Grandma....  My heart is so heavy for her.  I will miss my Grandpa dearly, but I know that I'll reflect upon his quirks, funny demeanor, and various stories that he's told me throughout the years fondly.  My Grandma has to be so sad.  She loved him so much.  They even refused to get any bigger than a queen sized bed because they felt like they slept too far apart in a King.  She liked keeping him close.  Although my heart is heavy, I am so thankful that she met him.  She had 20 great years of laughter, love, and companionship.  She will be able to forever cherish and reflect on the memories they created together, and I really hope that one day soon she can look back fondly on them instead of looking on with sadness.

So...this evening I sobbed for them, my Grandparents.  And in doing so, I felt so silly for my sobbing for Chris and I on Thursday.  It seems so insignificant.  We have each other...work, school, and everything else will work itself out.

And as I've written this, I've stopped sobbing.  My head feels clearer.  My heart is still heavy, but for the right reasons instead of the wrong ones.  Death is a tricky subject to address, and I know I'm not any good at it, but I find peace in knowing that my Grandpa is in a better place and lived a great life.  All I can do for my Grandma is to be there for her and be supportive of this new journey she'll embark on while surrounding her with love.

Thanks for letting me clear my head...

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